From Him, to Him

Tanggal 11 disember 2017, aku menerima berita kematian seorang kenalan.

Seperti biasa pagi tu aku datang lab bagai tiada apa yang berlaku. Sedang khusyuk aku menaip di laptop, tiba-tiba akma came and said to me, "Kak Z dah meninggal."

Dia jatuh pagi semalam. Tengahari admit ward. After isyak, meninggal. It was so quick, so sudden.

I thought akma was joking. For a few seconds i was speechless. It was like every moments i had with kak Z was flasback before my eyes. 

Aku kenal kak z melalui ain. She was a phd student and berumur above 30. Kak z sangat friendly. Dia selalu singgah lab aku untuk berborak-borak. Dia banyak bagi aku nasihat. Dia banyak cerita pasal research dia. She had a bubbly personality. Always looked happy. You won't know if she had a problem or not. She never appeared weak in front of us. The last time i saw her alive - i asked her, "Akak sihat?" She said she's fine. She lied. But i didn't know it. Begitulah dia.. Always masked her pain and problems with her laughter.

I seriously couldn't accept this news. I felt like i was dreaming.

Lepas dapat berita tu, tengahari tu jugak umar, ain and I went to hospital kajang to pay her our last respect. Kami pergi ke unit forensik. Nampak van jenazah. Bila aku menghampiri pintu unit forensik, aku nampak jenazah kak z berbalut kain kapan sedang diangkat untuk dimasukkan ke dalam keranda. Oh my... Aku rasa bagai disentak. That image had a very powerful impact on me. Realiti bagaikan datang menampar aku sekuat hati. Sakit dan pedih. Death is real. Dia yang aku kenali dah tak ada. 

When i saw that jenazah so close to me right in front of my eyes, it just woke me up. At that moment i realized that i hadn't seen a jenazah for a very long time.

So long -
that i had forgotten i soon will become one.
that i had become so comfortable with this dunya.
that i forgot a harsh reality is waiting ahead of me.

When i looked at her jenazah, all that i saw was me wrapped in white cloth, lying there unable to move. I saw my future. I saw my reality.

My eyes felt warm with tears.
I don't know what made me more sad.
I don't know what bothered me the most.
It's either - the fact that she's gone abruptly without any hints - or the fact that my time will come any time soon. The gravity of this whole situation is too heavy for me to bear.

The last time i saw a jenazah was 18 years ago. Jenazah nenek. I was 7 at that time. So i couldn't comprehend what was going on at that time. I can say, that event has a very little impact on me. I know my gradmother's gone. And that's it.

But this time - Allahu - it was so different.

Jenazahnya dibawa ke Masjid Sungai Ramal Dalam. We went there too. After zohor, kami solat jenazah. That was the first time in my whole life i did solat jenazah. All i can think was, "So this is what going to happen after i die. The exact same thing."

Sebelum jenazahnya diusung ke tapak perkuburan, kain kapan di wajahnya dibuka untuk tatapan kali terakhir buat orang-orang yang ditinggalkannya. I was so nervous at that time. Because - eventho aku dah nampak jenazahnya di unit forensik - there's still a little piece of me that couldn't accept the fact - and still denied that she's gone. So when i finally had the opportunity to see who's actually inside the kain kapan, i got very nervous.

Once i see the face, there's no more denial. Whether i believe it or not, that's the reality.

The moment i saw her face, tears rolled down my cheek. I felt like screaming in the inside. That was my first time - as far as i can remember - seeing the face of a dead body clearly in front of my eyes. I suddenly remembered all the memories we had when she was very alive. Basically we did the same things - go to lab - do lab work - publish papers - write thesis - stress over research that doesn't go as we planned - and so on. Come to think of it, if i do the same things as her while she lived, why can't i die the same way she did - which is - abruptly? I mean, if it can happen to her, it can happen to me too. She did not see it coming. And she was never ready for it. But i? I still have the chance and time to get ready. And that frightened me.

After that, we went to tapak perkuburan. Again, that was my first time attending pengebumian.

I saw her jenazah diturunkan into the liang lahad.
I heard the talqin.
I heard the ustaz said, "Wahai Nur ******* Binti *****, pada hari ini terputuslah segala kenikmatan dunia darimu. Kamu akan bersemadi disini sehingga tibalah hari kiamat."

Allahuakbar... I felt a surge of regrets inside of me. All these sights and sounds gave me goosebump. I had mixed feelings. Deep emotional feelings that i can't explain. I sat there quietly and re-evaluate my whole life. I felt like this whole life is an illusion. What i saw at that moment - was the real truth. All of these thoughts scare me.

Since then, not a day passed by without me thinking about everything that had happen on that day. Everytime i solat zohor, i remember seeing her keranda. Everytime i solat isyak, i remember that was the time she took her last breath. Every minute every hour someone is taking their last breath. Soon enough, i will be taking mine. And there will be no turning back. The image of her jenazah gets stuck in my head. It appears and disappears at random times.

Betullah... Mati itu pemutus segala kenikmatan dunia. Buat si mati. Dan buat orang-orang yang mengambil pelajaran darinya.

Alfatihah for her.

And for my dying soul.