Thinking of the title is always the hardest thing to do

I watched a sharing by Ustaz Omar Suleiman on youtube yesterday. Gotta admit I kinda amazed by his sharing. Not just because of his content, but also by the way he delivered his speech. So fluent and articulate. No 'aaa' or 'uhm' and whatnot. The same goes with Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan. How can people be this good at speaking? Cos I kinda suck at it. 

Talking is really not my forte. 

I love writing but I Ioathe talking.

Maybe because this trait is embedded in my introvert gene?

I dont like talking too much or open up to people verbally. Because at the end of the day I will regret it. It happened almost 90% of the time. Is this part of the reasons to why my speaking skill is underdeveloped? Idk.

I've always struggled talking to people. It doesn't come naturally. People always thought that I'm sombong. But when I try to be friendly, I know I'm faking it. Except with certain people whom I just click.

I rarely share my problems, thoughts or buat luahan perasaan dekat orang. But i gotta do it somehow because bottle up everything isn't healthy. Hence I resort to writing. Just like what I'm doing on this blog.

To write is way better than to speak. Because in writing, there's always an edit or delete button. I can always write, read it again and reflect before i post it. 

But in speaking, once the word is spit out of your mouth, it can't be undo and you have to face the consequences. If you said something hurtful, provocative, or stupid then you have to taste your own medicine.

Bombooclat

BOMBOOCLAT

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Can you relate to this picture?
I can.

Malam mak aku meninggal.
Aku tidur di dalam bilik.
Jenazah tidur di ruang tamu.
Abah tidur di sebelah jenazah.


Sebelum abah lelap,
abah semacam mengeluh, "Hmmm cepatnya pergi."

Bila aku dengar abah cakap macam tu
I swear my heart broke into million pieces
I struggled to fight tears.
Because i have to be strong for him.
Sebab aku tahu
Sesedih aku
Abah lagi sedih.

So with all the strength i could muster
I uttered in the most calm voice,
"Tidurlah abah. Dah lewat ni."

Then aku lari masuk bilik.
Menangis.

Just like the guy in the picture above.

So it's mother's day

Seronoknya semalam berada di rumah bersama ummi.

Malangnya cuma mimpi.

Dah berbulan-bulan tak mimpikan arwah ummi.
Tiba-tiba semalam dia datang.

Tapi pelik.

Sebelum ni setiap kali mimpikan dia, aku tahu dia dah tak ada,
walaupun aku sedang menatap dia dalam mimpi.
Aku sedar yang dia dah tak ada in reality,
walaupun aku sedang berbual-bual dengan dia di dalam mimpi.

Sebab tu setiap kali terjaga aku rasa kecewa.
Because the dream ended
and reality came crashing down on me.
Sebab dalam mimpi je aku boleh jumpa dia.
Sometimes dream is better than reality kan?
Korang faham tak?
Aku pun tak faham macam mana aku boleh aware dalam mimpi
yelah our brains work in mysterious ways kan.

Anyway dalam mimpi semalam
otak aku tak boleh nak register yang dia dah tak ada.
Seolah-olah pemergian dia tak pernah aku alami.
Perasaan tu seperti aku sedang bermimpikan seseorang yang masih ada.
Then bila terjaga, aku tak rasa kecewa
tapi aku rasa confused.
Korang faham tak?

Tapi aku tak katalah mimpi tu membawa apa-apa maksud.
Cuma nak kata appreciate your parents while they are still alive.
Sebab parents je yang ikhlas sayang kita without strings attached.

Tak kira betapa jahat, teruk, dan annoying nya kita
mereka je yang akan tetap bersama kita
to pick us up when we fall
to dust us off when the world pushes us down to our knees
selagi hayat mereka dikandung badan.

People come and go.

But parents?
They stay.
They always stay.

Walaupun kadang-kadang tindakan mereka
seperti bertentangan dengan definisi sayang yang kita faham.

But they do really love you.

Lepas my mom pergi,
I learned a huge lesson in life
in a painful way.

Appreciate your parents.
Appreciate your parents.
Appreciate your parents.

I can't stress this enough.

By appreciate,
I don't mean the bare minimum.
Don't just do the bare minimum.
If you could go the extra mile,
go the extra mile.
Take the extra step.

Talk to them.
Hug them.
Kiss them.

Feel the wrinkles on their skin,
before the time comes where you can afford to see the wrinkles only in a picture.

Look into their ancient eyes,
before the eyes close forever.

Learn your mother's recipe of your favorite food,
before you have to learn the recipe only by try and error.

I mean whatever.
Just do whatever you've a;ways wanted to do
with them
to them
for them
while you still have the chance.

***

Happy mother's day to all mothers in the world.

Viva voce

18/1/2019 - Aku submit thesis untuk semakan examiner luar dan dalam.

11/5/2019 - Aku dapat panggilan dari pejabat kedekanan untuk pemberitahuan tarikh viva voce.

23/5/2019 - Viva voce.

Sesi viva aku bermula pada jam 12 pm hingga jam 2 pm selepas sesi viva Ain tamat. Aku melangkah masuk ke dalam bilik viva dengan perasaan separa nervous separa yakin. Yakin sebab aku tahu apa yang aku buat. Nervous sebab aku tak tahu apa yang patut aku expect? soalan apa lagi yang aku belum terfikir? aspek apa lagi yang aku terlepas pandang? Pengerusi (Prof W) menjemput aku duduk, berbasa basi dan bersembang-sembang dengan aku. Mungkin untuk buat aku selesa dan lupakan perasaan nervous. Viva bermula dengan pembentangan aku. Part ni senang je. Cuma perlu buat seperti apa yang dah dipraktis. Examiners dan pengerusi cuma mendengar tanpa menyampuk. Selesai pembentangan, bermulalah part menyeramkan. Iaitu sesi soal jawab. Untuk sesi soal jawab, we gone through my thesis page by page, dari kulit ke kulit. Semua yang aku tulis dipersoalkan. Kalau penulisan aku baik, lajulah page tu bergerak. Tapi bila sampai di bahagian penulisan aku yang confusing/lack of information, banyaklah pembetulan dan soalan mereka.

External examiner aku ialah lecturer dari UIA (Dr L.) Dr L banyak komen di bahagian literature review aku. Tapi alhamdulillah, soalan2 beliau aku boleh jawab. Cuma aku perlu buat banyak penambahan pada literature review. Katanya lit rev aku terlalu banyak fakta asas, perlu ditambah maklumat2 terkini. Menariknya, lepas selesai beliau bedah thesis aku hingga ke kulit belakang, dia dah sediakan tiga soalan EKSTRA untuk uji kefahaman dan pengetahuan aku tentang bidang research aku. Bears in mind, beliau ialah lecturer yang berpengalaman dalam bidang aku ni. So, aku memang tak boleh kelentong.

Soalan pertama beliau, "Tell me about steroidogenesis". Nasib baik dia tanya open ended question. Jadi aku bagitahu sajalah apa yang aku tahu. Tak perlu goreng apa yang aku tak tahu. Panjang lebar aku jawab. Habis saja aku jawab, beliau terus kata "Ok passed!". Lega sungguh rasanya. Soalan kedua pula tentang antioxidant. Panjang lebar juga aku jawab yang ini. Habis segala pathway keluar dari mulut aku. Tapi Dr L kelihatan seperti masih tidak berpuas hati. Rupanya jawapan aku terlalu saintifik. Dia cuma nak dengar jawapan in layman term atau dalam bahasa yang mudah dan boleh difahami rakyat marhaen. Lol. Soalan ketiga tak sempat ditanya kerana kesuntukan masa. Lega sekali lagi. Hahaha.

Internal examiner aku pula Prof H. Aku pernah cerita tentang beliau di post aku sebelum ni. Prof H adalah lecturer yang hardcore.Aku susah hati bila dapat tahu beliaulah examiner aku. Beliau sangat kritikal dan teliti. Beliau semak thesis aku dengan bersungguh2. Thing is, when people put so much attention to your work, they started to see your flaws, even the tiniest ones. All your mistakes will emerge. Bak kata SV aku, "Habis dilanyaknya thesis you. First time saya tengok thesis student saya diconteng macam ni." Soalan2 Prof H sungguh tak terduga dek akalku dan SVku. Hahaha. Tapi Allah dah janji, "With hardship comes ease." Kebetulan atau suratan - masa aku viva, Prof H baru saja kematian suami. Jadi beliau tak boleh keluar rumah kerana menjalani tempoh iddah. Oleh yang demikian, tempat Prof H diganti oleh Dr E semasa sesi viva. Prof H cuma passed semua komen dan soalannya kepada Dr E. Alhamdulillah! Kalau Prof H ada dalam bilik viva, mungkin 3 jam pun tak cukup. Mahu biru aku dalam tu! Dr E banyak tolong aku masa viva. Tolong rephrase soalan bila dia tengok aku blur. Tolong comfort aku. Tolong tambah jawapan aku. Hahaha. I love Dr E.

Selesai Q&A, aku dan SV diminta keluar dari bilik viva. Selesai mereka berbincang, kami dipanggil masuk semula. Alhamdulillah viva aku PASSED.

Seperti kata Dr L kepada SV aku, "Mereka (aku dan ain) lulus dengan bergaya. Knowledge wise mereka hebat."

Takbirrr!!!

Hahaha. Aku diberi masa 6 bulan untuk buat pembetulan.

29/7/2019 - Aku hantar thesis kepada SV untuk semak pembetulan. Dan dia tambah lagi pembetulan lainnya.

1/8/2019 - Aku hantar thesis kepada Prof H untuk semak pembetulan dan dapatkan pengesahan bahawa thesis aku dah diluluskan. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. Hanya Allah saja tahu betapa leganya aku. Feels like all my hard work and determination for the past 3 years really paid off."

Ipan V

Sis tengok Ipan macam sweet betul dengan Mia.

Situasi 1
Mia: *Pakai seluar Ipan*
Me: Kenapa longgar ni? Mia pakai seluar sape ni?
Mia: Hehe seluar Ipan. 

*Mia cuba nak lari untuk tukar seluar pastu tetiba Ipan menyampuk*

Ipan: Takpe, Mia pinjamlah dulu..

Awwww so sweeettttt

Situasi 2
Mia: Cikya tolong bukak coki2 ni.
Me: Eeeee Mia dah gigit2 pastu baru nak bagi Cikya bukak.

*Tetiba Ipan amek coki2 tu from my hand*

Ipan: Sini lap kat baju Ipan.

Ya Allah sweetnya Ipan ni!!!! Gigih kemain dia lap kat baju dia.

Situasi 3
*Mia, Ipan , and Kakak masuk tandas awam perempuan. Kakak masuk tandas no 1. Mia masuk tandas no 2 tapi tak tutup pintu sebab takut*

Ipan: Mia tutup pintulah.
Mia: *Ignore him*
Ipan: *Tarik pintu Mia then he hold the door from the outside. Dia tunggu je depan pintu tu sampai Mia selesai*

Omg why so sweettttt i kenot laaaa this guy. Sweet betul Ipan ni i pulak yang cair kat situ. Ipan ni protective betul dengan Mia. Macam dia pulak abang Mia padahal dia adik bongsu. Haha. Ipan 5 tahun, Mia 7 tahun. Tapi badan Ipan lagi besar dari Mia. Budak debab :')

Ni lah dia..

Sometimes Ipan sweet jugak dengan sis.

Situasi 1
Ipan: *Makan roti sapu jem coklat*
Me: Nak sikit
Ipan: Tak boleh
Me: Ala sikit jeee. Boleh laaaa.
Ipan: Tak boleh
Me: Ipan tak sayang Cikya ke :(
Ipan: *Terus hulur roti siap suap lagi dalam mulut i*

Hehehehehe sweet kan dia? Kan? Kan? Kan???

Situasi 2
Ipan: *Makan coklat Nips*
Me: Ipan makan apa tu nak sikit. *Hulur tangan*
Ipan: *Bagi*
Ipan: *Bagi lagi*
Ipan: *Bagi banyak2*
Me: Eh banyaknya dah la tu
Ipan: Hehe

Sweet kan!!!!! Tapi, pastu...

Me: Amek balik. Ipan makan la. Cikya nak sikit je.
Ipan: *Ambik*
Ipan: *Ambik lagi*
Ipan: *Ambik lagi banyak2*
Ipan: *Ambik sampai habis semua yang ada dalam tangan aku dia makan*
Me: Hah dah habis??? Mana cikya punya????
Ipan: HAHAHAHA

Projek 2017 - To write all the good things that happen to me throughout this year

My resolution for this year is to focus on the good things that is going to happen to me on each day no matter how big or small they are.

So here we go!

2/1 - Hiked gunung datuk. Mot pick me up kat rumah Along and belanja Mcd. Syid belanja air right after turun gunung. Kamil belanja lunch. Dapat bagi hadiah bufday (songket) kat Mot after 3 months. Lol.

5/1 - Two strangers gave warm smiles at me.

7/1 - Aisyah rumet tumpangkan kereta untuk pergi and balik exam.

15/1 - Hiked Bukit Batu Putih dengan Mot, Ama, and Yayalah (hat ni random).

2/2 - I got to eat cheese cake and marble cake.

3/2 - Cai took me to lubuk buku baru kat KL Central.

6/2 - Akak cleaner tolong halaukan monyet yang bertebaran dekat koridor so that i can walk through it. Thanks kak hipster.

13/2 - SV asked about my pointer. Alhamdulillah finally i can make people proud of me :')

18/2 - Hiked Gunung Berembun with Mot and Syid.

21/2 - Went to pasar malam then makan atas rooftoop fakulti kejuruteraan with farah.

28/2 - SV gave me RM5 for breakfast.

2/3 - My mom datang ukm bawak banyak stok makanan. Ini sangat rare!!

7/3 - SV tanya, "Dia rajin tak? Rajin macam you?" Sajalah nak highlight part yang last tu kahkah.

9/3 - I dreamt of him. Dapat jumpa dalam mimpi je pun jadi lah.

10/3 - Aisyah rumet ajar guna snipping tool, how to convert jpeg/tif/etc, explore new functions in microsoft word. Noob gila rasa.

11/3 - Aisyah and her tunang tolong activate microsoft word and update microsoft 2010 to 2016.

12/3 - So the story goes liddis; Ipan nak basuh tangan kat sinki tapi dia tak sampai. Then dia pergi kat rak pinggan mangkuk looking for something which aku tak tahu apa. He took few stuff and put it back. Took another and put it back again. Finally he took penapis santan. Guess what he's gonna do with that thing? Dia guna penapis santan tu untuk capai pili air kat sinki. And voila! Dia dapat basuh tangan dia. Omggggg comel gila. I'm impressed with his ability to think and solve problem. Yeay sel-sel otak berhubung :'D I asked him, "Siapa yang ajar Ipan?", to which he replied, "Ipan lah." So that means dia bukan belajar dari pemerhatian but he actually thought that by himself. :') This made my day.

14/3 - Farah Amirah belanja syiling untuk refill air. Haha. Little things that count.

17/3 - SV hold my hand. Tak tahu kenapa rasa terharu. Rindu kat mak kot?

- SV reply email cakap "Tq mira!". Ni first time dia reply email just to say tq. Hm just so you know that simple act of kindness like saying 'tq' can make someone's day.

18/3 - SV submitted my first manuscript everrrr to journal. Cant wait for my first baby to be delivered. Hihi.

21/3 - Farah Amirah ajak wall climbing. Too bad i am (almost) broke.

27/3 - Aisyah ajak makan BBB. Just because dia rasa macam dah lama tak makan with me. Haha.

28/3 Today we had mock presentation with SV. Since I had not seen her for quite some time, so I asked her, "Dr sihat?". All of my friends suddenly laughed. Like cute laugh. Not satanic laugh. Lol. Maybe they found my question funny or cute or awkward. Haha. Idk but it feels good to see people (accidentally) happy because of you.

29/3 - SV asked me to convert master to phd. May Allah show me the way!

- SV treated us lunch eventho she was fasting. Huhu.

2/4 Mot made an appreciation post about me on ig out of the blue. Aww thank you terharu titer :')

5/4 Dapat sign and bergambar dengan Mat Luthfi.

6/4 Farah bawak makan nasi manggey dan coconut shake. Antara port yang famous di Bangi. Dap2.

7/4 SV asked me to delete some apps in her phone. I wanted her permission to delete movie apps. So I asked her, "Dr tengok movie eh kat fon?". She blushed while laughing and hitting my hand. Lol. 

11/4 Umar belanja air milo prepared by himself according to original recipe of Milo :D

12/4 Seronok merempit. Haha. Dapat brek mengejut terseret tayar tu paling puas hati.

13/4 Harini beli cheezy fries. Maigoddd sedap gila. Ka aku yang lapaq?

14/4 Dapat a cup of nescafe coconut for free. Not bad lah rasa dia. Taste like latte a bit.

16/4 Mimpi mengelilingi dan mendarat di bulan. Literally. Real betul perasaannya. Seronok sangat sampai rasa tak mahu bangun dari tidur.

18/4 I heard Umar telling Puva, "Kita kena treat perempuan ni macam queen tau Puva." And yes, he actually did that. Dia sangat hormat perempuan. I love this positive vibe.

20/4 Aku jumpa co-SV. Few things gone wrong in my research due to bad planning. Lepas cerita dekat co-SV, dia pun cakap, "Heyyy scientist, you have to plan your work." Then she laughed. Haha comel gila. Lol. I like the way she treated us. Dia ajar aku untuk berfikir dan bertindak seperti saintis, bukan sekadar postgrad student. 

21/4 Whatsapped SV mintak nak jumpa. Too bad she couldn't make it. But I insisted to meet her sebab dah lama gila tak jumpa. Aku takda apa sangat pun nak cakap dengan dia cuma aku ada KPI aku sendiri berapa kerap aku perlu jumpa dia. Then she called. Lepas dah sembang2, dia tanya, "Ini je ke sebab nak jumpa? Ingatkan masalah besar apa sangatlah. Haha." Aku cakap, "Takde masalah sangat pun. Saja nak jumpa Dr. Dah lama tak jumpa." She laughed it off. Haha. Tu ja lah. Sedikit sebanyak aku pun terhibur. Lol.

25/4 Journal dah bagi feedback for my 1st manuscript. Alhamdulillah walaupun I dont understand what the reviewer wants. Even my SV said, "Saya pun tak berapa faham komen reviewer." Lololol. Nice, Dr. Nice. Dr tak paham lagikan pulak aku. Kahkah.

26/4 Harini aku tak sihat sikit. Batuk and suara pun dah lain macam. Umar caring gila tanya aku macam-macam; "Sakit kepala ke? Sejuk ke aircond ni? Takde selera makan ke? Semalam kena hujan ke? Badan rasa panas ke? Patut rehat je harini." Atototo. Sesape yang tengah cari calon suami meh aku tolong adjust Umar untuk hgpa. Baik sangat orangnya. Tapi tu lah, not my taste. Lol tetiba.

27/4 - Harini aku duduk di kerusi SV sambil menaip di komputernya. Luar biasa. Rasa berdosa nak duduk kerusi lecturer. Haha. Terpaksa tanya dua kali untuk kepastian, "Saya duduk kat sini?". Jawab Dr, "Ya, practise jadi lecturer." Kahkah. Kasar guraunya.

29/4 - Celcom bagi free data for fb and whatsapp sampai 5 Mei! Tak tahulah sempena apa. Masyehh syelcom.

2/5 - First time meeting dgn suppliers. Real betul sembang pasal lab equipment acah-acah pro. Hakhak.

- Meeting dengan SV. SV suruh explain principle of freeze drying (sebab Dr pun tak tahu so dia suruh aku cari jawapan). Aku pun tak fully understand sangat. Tapi aku explain kencang kemain. Confident mesti lebih beb. Hahak. At the end aku cakap, "Kita tak nak produk freeze dry kita tu collapse." Then Dr asked, "Collapse macam mana tu?". Omg aku pun tak tahu sebenarnya so aku jawab je lah, "Yang tu saya tak faham tu." Lepastu SV gelak dengan bersungguh-sungguh. Mesti SV kata dalam hati, "Nate mu! Ingatkan pro sangat tadi."

3/5 - Dapat makan kailan ikan masin!!! Craving satisfied! Thanks rumet.

4/5 - Harini laptop aku masuk air. Mampuih. May the 4th be with me. Tapi takpa I try to look at the bright side. Rupanya ramai ja kengkawan aku yang terer bab gadget ni yang aku boleh harap. Abang aku, Pik, Mot, Rumet. They all gave brilliant, helpful ideas on how to solve my problem with minimum cost. Thank you everyone. 

5/5 - I'm home!!! 

6/5 - So many fruits at home so fresh so clean. Ada jagung, mangga, anggur, pelam. Yummy.

7/5 - Kak ipar tegur, "Kurus aok sekarang." Hihi.

8/5 - Laptop kembali bernyawa seperti biasa (eventho melayang RM200).

9/5 - Joined lecture proteomics Dr Aizat. Lecture tu untuk students dia je. Aku menyelit je kat situ. Alhamdulillah finally aku faham apa yang aku duk baca dalam journal. Beza gila degree dengan master. Degree dulu kelas asyik rasa nak ponteng je. Padahal bayar yuran untuk setiap subjek. Time master ni takde register apa-apa subjek pun. Tapi tercari-cari lecture/talk/bengkel untuk di join. Nak berguru punya pasal. Tapi mostly kena bayar kalau nak join. Tu pun RM dua tiga ratus :( So bila dapat join free memang rasa bersyukur gila. Baru sedar banyak benda yang aku took for granted masa degree dulu.

10/5 - Lost RM 2, gained RM 1200. Alhamdulillah.

11/5 - Attend sharing session for UKM GoGlobal. Best je dengar exchange students share experiences diorang pergi Mexico, Kazakhstan, Korea, Philipine, Azerbaijan, US etc. Bilalah aku nak merasa pulak. Huhu.

12/5 - Birthday aku tahun ni rasa insaf. Sebab jatuh pada hari yang sama dengan nisfu syaaban. Malam tadi buku amalan lama diangkat dan diganti dengan buku baru. So maknanya birthday aku tahun ni literally start fresh and clean. Just like 25 years ago, when I first came into this world. This just blows my mind. Hadiah birthday paling bermakna buat aku.

13/5 - Picnic di Pulau Burung with my sis and kids.

14/5 - Dapat makan udang after quite a long time.

15/5 - Along belanja kfc.

16/5 - Found my moringa sample (that I thought was lost).

- Kuetiau kungfu BBB for lyfe.

17/5 - Got free yakult. Thanks yakult!

18/5 - Setelah sekian lama menahan diri dari teh ais (in an effort to cut my sugar intake), harini aku minum. MashaAllah nikmatnya.

19/5 - SV ajak ngeteh. Too bad I couldn't make it sebab busy meeting dengan supplier. Kemain busy. Lol.

20/5 - Overnight by the beach at PD.

21/5 - Abang ipar belanja makan.

22/5 - Aisyah Rumet belanja Penyet Express.

- Terserempak dengan SV kat lif then dia tegur, "Dah lama tak jumpa [inserts my name]." Bila SV dah cakap macam ni, kau kena jaga-jaga. Bawak-bawaklah diri tu jumpa dia.

23/5 - Done freeze dried my sample for the first time.

- Maya Karin liked my photo again!!!

24/5 - Journal bagi feedback for second revision of my paper. One step closer.

25/5 - Got free screening for hepatitis B and C. 

- Got free vitagen. Thanks vitagen!

26/5 - Aiskrim cornetto before ramadhon.

27/5 - Finally got time to spring clean my room. Puas!!!

28/5 - Harini akak jual nasi kukus tu baik. Nasi kerabu RM5 dia jual RM4 je. Ok lah jimat singgit. #lifeasastudent lol

29/5 - I'm home!!!

1/6 - Buat popia nestum. Dap2.

3/6 - Berbuka di BBB. #BBB4lyfe

4/6 - Pergi param setelah bertahun-tahun. 

5/6 - Hajar hantar balik kolej.

6/6 - Puva hantar balik kolej. Kalau hari-hari orang hantar kan best. Hihi.

8/6 - I may now confidently handle rats. Ingat lagi masa 1st time dulu ya rabbi geli geleman aku. Sekarang dah berani dah. Dengan kucing pun aku tak berani macam ni. Lols.

11/6 - Honey lemon sedap jugalah. Bila minum rasa refreshing.

12/6 - Alhamdulillah my first baby delivered!! Paper accepted for publication!!

13/6 - Sv bagi sebekas kurma. Pastu dia whatsapp pesan, "Jangan lupa berbuka dengan kurma yang saya bagi." Kahkah. Comel.

14/6 - Dapat biskut and sampul raya dari Prima Nexus.

15/6 - Harini tiba-tiba je sv jadi aggresive. She suddenly decided to do thesis review weekly. Everyone has to review the thesis of her previous students and present it every thursday. Once done with thesis review, she wants to continue with journal club. Every freaking week!! Aku quite setuju jugalah dengan cadangan ni. Tapi tu lah, why so sudden?? Aku rasa ni mesti sebab aku kritik method previous student dia itu hari. Insecure lettew.

19/5 - Dapat makan rendang mak Hajar masak. Bulan puasa aku melantak rendang dalam surau. Hahaha.

21/6 - Akma bagi Cadbury. Tapi cair. Nasib baik ada fridge dalam lab. Orang simpan sample, aku simpan cekelat. Hahahaha.

22/6 - Raspberry cake secret recipe omg sedap namateyyy.

23/6 - I'm home!!!

24/6 - Kak ipaq belanja shopping raya. Tanjat gegirl.

25/6 - Mom bought me a jubah. So harini aku raya pakai jubah. Omg jubah tu sangat simple tapi sangat selesa!! Best2.

27/6 - Today Pak Yie (my pak sedara) gave me duit raya bcs i'm still a student omg the only pak sedara yang memahami. Luv you Pak Yie. And he kissed me on my cheek. Aww so sweet. :') (Actually this was my first time being kiss by a grown man).

1/7 - Abang ipaq belanja pizzahut.

3/7 - Abang rapid tengahari tadi baik betul. I was waiting at bus stop alone when a rapid bus came. Aku tak tahan pun bas tu sebab tak sure dia masuk ukm ke tak. Tetiba bas tu stop. Aku peliklah takde orang turun pun kenapa dia stop. Lepas tu driver bagi isyarat tangan kat aku. Dia tanya, "UKM?". Wah baguslah dia. Aku tak tahan pun dia tau aku nak p ukm. Very considerate and prihatin. Kalau dia jenis 'lantak engkolah' mesti aku duk tercongok lagi tunggu bas kat situ. Hidup abang rapid!

4/7 - Akma belanja air mineral untuk berbuka puasa kat surau. Hajar belanja coconut shake.

5/7 - SV gave me RM200 as a reward for my published paper. Alhamdulillah. Aku ingat dia nak bagi RM50 je. 

6/7 - Mutiara Saintifik bagi biskut and sampul raya.

8/7 - Hiking Gunung Gap dan Gunung Ulu Semangkok.

9/7 - Ama bagi johson&johnson dan hantar balik ukm.

10/7 - Dah seminggu selsema dan batuk. Umar caring sangatttt. Risau betul dia masa kat lab tadi. Kalau hgpa gegirls ngengada nak sepenuh perhatian masa sakit, kahwinlah dengan Umar. Confirm dapat sepenuh perhatian dan kasih sayang.

11/7 - Yana bagi oren sanquick.

14/7 - Yana belanja apa entah dari bakery. Dap2.

- Rumah terbuka biosains. So much food so heaven!!!

15/7 - Dapat makan kambing golek dap2. Rezeki datang bergolek-golek.

18/7 - i think my stamina has improved. Sekarang dah boleh buat plank seminit. Ingat lagi masa memula dulu nak buat 20 saat pun rasa nak nangis. Sekarang nak buat 40 saat pun tak se struggle dulu. The power of exercise. Dasyat2.

20/7 - Team lab buat potluck. Makanan dap2.

25/7 - Pepagi aku datang lab nak buat kerja. Tetiba sakit puan datang. Allahu. Nasib baik ada Yana yang comel lagi baik hati hantar aku balik kolej. And macam biasa, Umar risau betul pasal aku (as a friend). Dapat kawan-kawan baik macam ni satu nikmat besar tahu?

26/7 - Today i had a discussion with my SV. We discussed about carbohydrate metabolism in spermatogenic cells. So i told her everything that I've studied. Surprisingly she didn't know about all of those things. She said, "Ni ilmu baru bagi saya ni." Before keluar dari bilik dia, as usual aku cakaplah terima kasih. Tetiba dia pun cakap terima kasih kat aku. Ni first time ni. I like this kind of interaction where you can learn from each other. You see, learning is a never ending process. Fefeling macam Aristotle dengan anak murid dia pulak. Hihi.

27/7 - Today i joined free talk on diabetic rats. Organized by prima nexus. The speakers were from Japan. Their english is quite difficult to understand. One of the audience is an indian Dr (pure from india) i guess. Paham2 jelah english indian cemana. Huhu. Masa Q&A omg. Macam ayam dengan itik. Aku tak paham engko. Engko tak paham aku. Language barrier is real.

28/7 - Umar hantar balik kolej.

31/7 - Mira Adlin belanja dominos. Yana belanja keropok dan pisang goreng.

1/8 - Yana, Hajar and me met SV today. Before we left, Yana salam Dr (baiknya budak ni). So aku pun salam jugaklah to avoid awkwardness. Time salam tu Dr genggam tangan aku erat gila. First time salam lecturer macam ni.

2/8 - Yana bagi kek. Bagus budak ni. Selalu datang sebagai penyelamat disaat2 aku lapar.

3/8 - Aku nampak lama kereta Akma stop tepi jalan. Rupanya dia tengah tunggu aku semata-mata nak hantar aku balik kolej. Terharu titer.. Alhamdulillah baik-baik manusia kat sini.

4/8 - Yana belanja roti from bakery.

 - I met SV again with Yana. As usual sebelum balik Yana salam Dr. Dr salam ngan Yana biasa2 je. Tapi time salam aku dia genggam macam taknak lepas. Atoto mak2 sangatlah Dr ni. Huhu.

6/8 - Hiking Bukit Denai Tiga Puteri di Kota Damansara Community Forest Reserve with Ama.

9/8 - Umar belanja putu piring.

11/8 - SV belanja makan petang.

- Pakcik bas 3U hantar balik kolej. Supposedly dia tak lalu pun kolej aku.

12/8 - Found new interesting user friendly website for designing. I loike.

15/8 - My sperm lab team won gold medal for pertandingan Intellectual Property. I designed the brochure. Hihi.

17/8 - My labmates did a very belated birthday surprise for me.

19/8 - Attend Sea Games KL 2017 Opening Ceremony and saw so many famous people.

20/8 - A stranger gave me roti because i helped her.

22/8 - Attend Bengkel Penulisan Buku dari Tesis. Now i got a new goal; to publish an academic book.

24/8 - Celebrate birthday abah.

- I'm home!!

25/8 - My brother kawen!

28/8 - Umar belanja air jagung.

31/8 - Puva hantar balik kolej.

1/9 - Umar pikap kat kolej pergi lab. 

3/9 - Puva hantar balik kolej. Bestnya hari-hari ada orang pickup. Hihi.

4/9 - Umar hantar balik kolej.

- Mak aisyah belanja sate kajang.

9/9 - Umar sanggup tunggu aku habis labwork semata-mata nak hantar aku balik kolej. Omg so gentleman. Tapi last2 dia tak hantar pun. Sebab aku halau dia balik. Hahaha. Aku tanya dengan nada serius, "Umar kenapa tak balik-balik lagi?" Lalu dia pun balik. Haha. Aku tak bolehlah orang baik sangat ni. Nanti jatuh hati, susah.

11/9 - Ain belanja sandwich.

12/9 - Akma belanja aiskrim.

- Saudagar cakap dia teringat aku bila dengar lagu Beautiful in White. Aww so random so shuitt. Hahaha.

13/9 - Sv belanja spagetti.

- Post Saudagar di fb mencecah 10k shared. I'm so proud of you!

20/9 - Akma belanja choc cake and cheese cake.

24/9 - Hiking Bukit Senaling a.k.a. Bukit Terbakar di Kuala Pilah with my sis.

29/9 - SV belanja breakfast.

30/9 - Put kawen!! Reunited with my roomates just like the good ol' time. 

3/10 - SV belanja breakfast, lunch, minum petang.

- My lab team won gold medal for pertandingan Innotvet.

- Finally dapat luahkan kat SV segala ketidakpuashatian yang terpendam dihati. Huhu.

4/10 - Akma belanja chocolate roll and hantar balik kolej.

7/10 - Won another gold medal for pertandingan Pecipta.

11/10 - SV cakap, "So [my name] boleh GOT lah ni kan." Huhu aminnnnnn. We'll see Dr.

14/10 - Dapat makan nasi pakapau for free. Dap2.

27, 28, 29, 30/10 - I'm home!!!

9, 10, 11, 12/11 - i'm home!!!

13/11 - i donated blood.

26/11 - SV belanja breakfast.

23/12 - Hiking Bukit Batu Chondong with Mot, Kamil, and Nazrul.

25/12 - Aku dah siap tulis 80% of my thesis. Sekarang aku rasa hidup aku macam kosong. Hahaha. Sebelum ni setiap hari aku bangun pagi looking forward to write my thesis. I always imagined macam manalah perasaannya dah siap thesis. Now thesis aku dah siap (except for the proteomic part sebab labwork tak siap lagi), that hype has gone. Apa-apa pun, Alhamdulillah. Now i can focus on my paper. Manalah mood aku ni pergi.

27/12 - Harini aku start buat proteomic. Omggg i love it! Kena troubleshoot, optimize, solving problems yada3 best sangat! Feel like a real scientist. Hihi.

29/12 - Today i met sv to ask boleh tak aku join kolokium if i tangguh the semester. Aku plan nak tangguh semester 4 but at the end of the semester ada kolokium. Kalau aku tak join kolokium next sem, aku kena join masa sem 6. Gila bila nak habis master aku macam ni? Tapi nasib baik tadi sv cakap boleh join walaupun tangguh. Alhamdulillahhh.

Finally, today is 365/365. Banyak juga hari aku skipped. It's either sebab lupa, busy, atau malas. Huhu. Overall, 2017 has been nice to me. Ke sebab aku focus on good things je? Bad things pun banyak je happened this year. Tapi untuk apa dikenang? Buat sakit hati je, yedok?

Akhir kata for 2017, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

From Him, to Him

Tanggal 11 disember 2017, aku menerima berita kematian seorang kenalan.

Seperti biasa pagi tu aku datang lab bagai tiada apa yang berlaku. Sedang khusyuk aku menaip di laptop, tiba-tiba akma came and said to me, "Kak Z dah meninggal."

Dia jatuh pagi semalam. Tengahari admit ward. After isyak, meninggal. It was so quick, so sudden.

I thought akma was joking. For a few seconds i was speechless. It was like every moments i had with kak Z was flasback before my eyes. 

Aku kenal kak z melalui ain. She was a phd student and berumur above 30. Kak z sangat friendly. Dia selalu singgah lab aku untuk berborak-borak. Dia banyak bagi aku nasihat. Dia banyak cerita pasal research dia. She had a bubbly personality. Always looked happy. You won't know if she had a problem or not. She never appeared weak in front of us. The last time i saw her alive - i asked her, "Akak sihat?" She said she's fine. She lied. But i didn't know it. Begitulah dia.. Always masked her pain and problems with her laughter.

I seriously couldn't accept this news. I felt like i was dreaming.

Lepas dapat berita tu, tengahari tu jugak umar, ain and I went to hospital kajang to pay her our last respect. Kami pergi ke unit forensik. Nampak van jenazah. Bila aku menghampiri pintu unit forensik, aku nampak jenazah kak z berbalut kain kapan sedang diangkat untuk dimasukkan ke dalam keranda. Oh my... Aku rasa bagai disentak. That image had a very powerful impact on me. Realiti bagaikan datang menampar aku sekuat hati. Sakit dan pedih. Death is real. Dia yang aku kenali dah tak ada. 

When i saw that jenazah so close to me right in front of my eyes, it just woke me up. At that moment i realized that i hadn't seen a jenazah for a very long time.

So long -
that i had forgotten i soon will become one.
that i had become so comfortable with this dunya.
that i forgot a harsh reality is waiting ahead of me.

When i looked at her jenazah, all that i saw was me wrapped in white cloth, lying there unable to move. I saw my future. I saw my reality.

My eyes felt warm with tears.
I don't know what made me more sad.
I don't know what bothered me the most.
It's either - the fact that she's gone abruptly without any hints - or the fact that my time will come any time soon. The gravity of this whole situation is too heavy for me to bear.

The last time i saw a jenazah was 18 years ago. Jenazah nenek. I was 7 at that time. So i couldn't comprehend what was going on at that time. I can say, that event has a very little impact on me. I know my gradmother's gone. And that's it.

But this time - Allahu - it was so different.

Jenazahnya dibawa ke Masjid Sungai Ramal Dalam. We went there too. After zohor, kami solat jenazah. That was the first time in my whole life i did solat jenazah. All i can think was, "So this is what going to happen after i die. The exact same thing."

Sebelum jenazahnya diusung ke tapak perkuburan, kain kapan di wajahnya dibuka untuk tatapan kali terakhir buat orang-orang yang ditinggalkannya. I was so nervous at that time. Because - eventho aku dah nampak jenazahnya di unit forensik - there's still a little piece of me that couldn't accept the fact - and still denied that she's gone. So when i finally had the opportunity to see who's actually inside the kain kapan, i got very nervous.

Once i see the face, there's no more denial. Whether i believe it or not, that's the reality.

The moment i saw her face, tears rolled down my cheek. I felt like screaming in the inside. That was my first time - as far as i can remember - seeing the face of a dead body clearly in front of my eyes. I suddenly remembered all the memories we had when she was very alive. Basically we did the same things - go to lab - do lab work - publish papers - write thesis - stress over research that doesn't go as we planned - and so on. Come to think of it, if i do the same things as her while she lived, why can't i die the same way she did - which is - abruptly? I mean, if it can happen to her, it can happen to me too. She did not see it coming. And she was never ready for it. But i? I still have the chance and time to get ready. And that frightened me.

After that, we went to tapak perkuburan. Again, that was my first time attending pengebumian.

I saw her jenazah diturunkan into the liang lahad.
I heard the talqin.
I heard the ustaz said, "Wahai Nur ******* Binti *****, pada hari ini terputuslah segala kenikmatan dunia darimu. Kamu akan bersemadi disini sehingga tibalah hari kiamat."

Allahuakbar... I felt a surge of regrets inside of me. All these sights and sounds gave me goosebump. I had mixed feelings. Deep emotional feelings that i can't explain. I sat there quietly and re-evaluate my whole life. I felt like this whole life is an illusion. What i saw at that moment - was the real truth. All of these thoughts scare me.

Since then, not a day passed by without me thinking about everything that had happen on that day. Everytime i solat zohor, i remember seeing her keranda. Everytime i solat isyak, i remember that was the time she took her last breath. Every minute every hour someone is taking their last breath. Soon enough, i will be taking mine. And there will be no turning back. The image of her jenazah gets stuck in my head. It appears and disappears at random times.

Betullah... Mati itu pemutus segala kenikmatan dunia. Buat si mati. Dan buat orang-orang yang mengambil pelajaran darinya.

Alfatihah for her.

And for my dying soul.